Our topic today how to change your romantic defaults and find a mate you’re really looking for!
“Romantic defaults” are subconscious behaviors we all carry. Some of these defaults lead us to positive and healthy relationship patterns. Being a good listener may make you an attentive partner. Being an independent person may allow your partner the freedom they need to grow.
Unfortunately there are times when our subconscious behaviors get in the way. Instead of leading us to healthy productive relationships, we get stuck in familiar emotional patterns that keep us from having the relationships we really want.
Do you find yourself in a cycle of failed relationships? Do you manage to find the only problem drinker in the room? Or you thought they were the strong independent type, turns out they’re controlling and self-centered?
You may be subconsciously choosing these relationships because they are familiar, or represent patterns you’ve experienced in your family of origin or early dating life.
Part of learning to change your romantic default is to own your part of the relationships.
You picked them. The good news is you have everything you need to fix this issue.
Have a tool I call “Build your better partner”, I refuse to use the word perfect, it leads to unrealistic expectations!
The key to knowing what you really want in a mate is to write it down!
Take a piece of paper. A journal. Write on a napkin. Or even the bathroom wall. Just get your 30 must have attributes in writing. Yes 30 attributes may seem daunting but take your time. Once you get rolling you may find you have more than 30.
Really flesh out these attributes. Instead of saying I want someone kind, ask yourself what kindness looks like. Does someone need to open doors for you? Volunteer? Or simply be an attentive listener?
Once we’ve come to the end of our list of attributes we move onto the second important part of this exercise.
The dealbreaker list. This list consists of behaviors you don’t want in a mate. Can’t stand a gum chewer? Fussy, tidy types need not apply? Whatever bad habits you simply can not handle, add to the list.
I have one special request for this list. With this list I have a nonnegotiable rule. For me, the top four of every dealbreaker list should be,
1. No one with any active addictions
2. No one super controlling
3. No one with any unchecked mental health issues
4. And last but definitely not least, no commitment-phobes.
Why do I have these nonnegotiable rules? Because these negative traits are often so overwhelming they control every aspect of a relationship and are not easily rectified.
A little more about number 4. You might ask, What does a commitment phobe look like? And why should I avoid them?
A commitment phobe is someone who jumps into the deep end of a relationship right away. They want monogamy. They want all your attention, they want you to love, love, love them and they want to love, love, love you back. Unfortunately they also can’t handle someone having an expectation of them or their behaviors. I believe this is the most dangerous of the top four deal breakers. Commitment phobes can never really let anyone go, but they also never really commit. You end up in a painful tug-of-war where no one is ever satisfied.
Now the real trick to this tool is memorization! Read your lists everyday until you know what number four, ten or twenty four is on your list of attributes at any given moment.
The reason for memorization is that once you have it down to memory, your subconscious mind will start to take over. You may begin to see why you have such a close friendship with your introverted but quirky friend.
You may notice that your sisters kindness is the same expression of kindness you want in your mate.
You may realize the person who takes your order at the coffee shop really listens when she asks you how your day is going.
By no longer defaulting to your familiar negative patterns you will engaging your subconscious mind in an active way to help you find someone suitable for you.
I have a part two of this concept as well. In part two we use the same techniques to look at who you are in a relationship and what patterns and behaviors you continually bringing to the party that may or may not be best for you and your mate!
We will also explore my “5 in 5” the five questions you want to ask yourself as well as anyone you date. But that’s for another day!
Want to hear more about this topic? Go to http://www.Fitz-Radio.com and check out my radio segments with Laurie Fitz of “Connections” Radio and download our podcasts.
